The fourth (and, unfortunately, final) installment in a saucy, satirical series by a naughty neophyte in her British beginner’s astrology course.

Astrology Class - Term 2

Week 5: Look at supposed chart of Henry VIII. Looks like he and I have a lot in common — apart from him being the King of England, being married 6 times and murdering a lot of people, that is. (Give me time...) N.B. Found school tennis racquet in attic but it’s gone all sort of baggy. Pity. I really did want to play tennis...

Friday: GEOFFREY CALLED. I’ve agreed to go to the theatre with him next week. WHY DO I DO THIS? It’s all the fault of an article I read in a magazine when I was 15. It said: "If you say `no’ to a man it will ruin his PSYCHOLOGICAL PATTERN". This was obviously written by a man. (I also seem to remember it was about being asked to dance — but you can see what damage these seemingly innocuous scribblings can do!)

Week 6: ASTRONOMY. Astronomy is a science and a NECESSARY EVIL. Astrology is an ART. This is interesting. Astrology started off as a science because when it was born it WAS astronomy. Now it HAS to be an art because Aries is now Pisces. Have noticed astronomers behave in a RATHER SUPERIOR manner and look down their noses at astrologers. As the signs of the Zodiac no longer bear any physical relation to the constellations with the same names, they can’t imagine how it could possibly work. Astrology is all about MYTH and SYMBOLISM. This is not a problem. Unless you have tunnel vision and/or are an astronomer. (OH DEAR! PASSION STIRS. Must look for a soapbox...)

Saturday: THEATRE. Geoffrey has a VOLVO which is full of child seats and biscuit crumbs. The play is an Alan Ayckbourne, about a marriage breakup. It is very witty, but upsets Geoffrey. He weeps on my shoulder all through Act III. This activates my Pisces moon (although my sympathy is tempered somewhat by concern for my new silk jacket). Suggest Geoffrey TELL his wife he is still potty about her, and make an appointment with Relate. In exchange for this helpful and unbiased advice, Geoffrey agrees to fill in my tax return and forward it to the Inland Revenue. A GRATEFUL ACCOUNTANT could be a USEFUL THING!

Week 7: TRANSITS (last lesson before Easter). This is very exciting. Plan to sort my life out ONCE AND FOR ALL!!! Illustrious Tutor is in good form. Regaled us with graphic and gory details of the Gods’ private lives. Optimistically examine my chart and transiting planets. Feel less excited.

My interpretation: Will put on weight, feel tired and emotional, and in a couple of years I’m quite likely to drop dead. This sounds like a BLESSED RELEASE. Consult DREADED TEXT BOOK for alternative forecast: Will enlarge social contacts, look at myself more realistically (unlikely!), and in a couple of years I’ll probably redecorate my house. It’s REALLY LUCKY I didn’t burn that text book.

THE END