Relationships in a mess? Nobody loves you? It's not surprising with your birth chart. Is there anyone at all you are compatible with? Old Grouch knows the answers. Following the underwhelming popularity of his recent Sun Sign forecasts he now puts you straight on Synastry.

 

FIRE SIGNS with Fire signs: It wont last five minutes

FIRE SIGNS with Earth signs: Forget it

FIRE SIGNS with Air signs: Get real

FIRE SIGNS with Water signs: You'd be better off dating a chimp

 

EARTH SIGNS with Earth signs: The boredom will kill you

EARTH SIGNS with Air signs: Do me a favour

EARTH SIGNS with Water signs: You don't need this hassle

EARTH SIGNS with Fire signs: I told you already to forget it

 

AIR SIGNS with Air signs: You can't trust them

AIR SIGNS with Water signs: Don't make me laugh

AIR SIGNS with Fire signs: Get real (How many times do I have to tell you)

AIR SIGNS with Earth signs: Do me a favour

 

WATER SIGNS with Water signs: Hello? Is anybody there?

WATER SIGNS with Fire signs: You cant even get on with the chimp

WATER SIGNS with Earth signs: OK so you thrive on hassle

WATER SIGNS with Air signs: This is beyond a joke

 

Other reasons why you are compatibly incompetent:

Count the number of degrees between Mars and Venus on your chart. If this proves difficult get a qualified professional to do it for you. Don't try and make a pass at the qualified professional. You're in enough trouble as it is.

Multiply the number of degrees by ten. This corresponds to the number of times you make a complete pig's ear of your relationship skills during each Venus/Mars cycle.

[Special note: If you were born with Venus and Mars exactly conjunct, don't think you are getting away with anything. In this case you must count the longest distance between Venus and Mars. That is: right round the zodiac, 360 degrees. That will take the smile off your face, you attractive jezebel/handsome so-and-so (delete as necessary).]

 

What you can do about your basic incompatibility:

Wait till the next Neptune transit and have a sex change. (You can then be a failure with the other sex too).

Wait till the next Neptune transit and join a nunnery/monastery. (Assuming they'll have you).

Take up drugs while you're waiting for the next Neptune transit.

 

Remember Old Grouch knows all the answers.