The third in a saucy, satirical series by a naughty neophyte in her British beginner’s astrology course.
Astrology Class - Term 2
Week 1: Astrology class reconvenes. Have spent Xmas holiday reading my new Astrology text book, so feel ARMED AND READY for this. Speedily discover that Illustrious Tutor does not admire its author and, in fact, does not agree with anything in it. Contemplate burning text book. Also contemplate burning effigy of Illustrious Tutor. Decide to cross him off next year’s Xmas card list. (And might stick small pin in effigy to see if it works.)
Saturday: Went to friend’s 40th birthday party. Spent some time flirting with boring man in kitchen. This is a Taurean REFLEX RESPONSE to male interest and not my fault! Aw, shucks! Use it or lose it, I say! Asked him for time/date/place of birth and agreed to meet him for lunch next Friday to discuss his horoscope.
Sunday: Had headache and SEVERE MISGIVINGS about lunch date. Can’t remember man’s name but drew his chart anyway. Looks like he could be a MASS MURDERER.
Week 2: Illustrious Tutor talked about the houses and confirmed my WORST FEARS. My lunch date has the Sun in SCORPIO in the EIGHTH HOUSE !! Illustrious tutor says the 8th house is concerned with traumas and money and the tax man. Dreaded text book says: KINKY SEXUAL OBSESSIONS. How come this man seemed so BORING ??? Decide lunch date is DEFINITELY ON!!!
Friday lunchtime: Guess what? His name is GEOFFREY. He is an ACCOUNTANT, and he is obsessed with his ex-wife and the CHILD SUPPORT AGENCY. Spend 1 hour 47 minutes giving him a free counselling session. Seriously consider calling the ex-wife to congratulate her on dumping him. On the evidence of this experience, consider that Illustrious Tutor’s accuracy may be considerably better than dreaded text book.
The main trouble with astrology is that it’s a bit like FOG. You think you know where it begins and ends, but when you try to get hold of it, it moves around a lot:
My brain is like a jam jar / Let’s fill it up with fog / And if it’s there tomorrow / Each cog will be agog.
Eat your heart out, Lewis Carroll!
Week 3: More about houses and angles. The trouble with house positions is, for them to be right, you have to know your precise time of birth. Mine is somewhat approximate. As an only child, I really think my mother might have noted the exact time of this momentous event in her life. NOT SO.
Mother’s view on my birth (direct quote): "I seem to remember it was nearly tomorrow, dear, but mainly I was wondering how something so nice could lead to something so nasty." Translation: About 11 p.m. Thank God for Marie Stopes — I won’t get caught like this again.
Sacrifice and suffering were NOT my mother’s strong points. Is it any wonder I’ve turned out like this?
Homework: What are our angular planets and what do they tell us about ourselves?
Week 4: Spent AGES looking this up. My angular planets are Mars, Uranus, and Neptune.
LIKELY INTERPRETATION: Likes sports, dynamic, original and imaginative.
UNLIKELY ALTERNATIVE: Likes sex, weird, perverse, and completely out of it 90% of the time.
FORTUNATELY, Illustrious Tutor has completely forgotten he asked us to do this for homework, so am able to avoid fellow students’ opinions on my psyche. N.B. Decide to take up sport (tennis looks reasonably civilised).sort my life out ONCE AND FOR ALL!!! Illustrious Tutor is in good form. Regaled us with graphic and gory details of the Gods’ private lives. Optimistically examine my chart and transiting planets. Feel less excited.
(to be continued.....)