Are you a regular astrology conference-goer? If so, are you fed up with trying to guess the various delegates’ Sun-signs - and then getting them all wrong? Fear no more. Here at last is the official guide to the twelve (often irritating) types you are likely to meet at these gatherings.

 

Once Aries types are settled in, their bedrooms resemble Base Camp on Everest. They don’t mind “roughing it”, so expect to see a small camp bed in preference to a normal bed. A primus stove is also a must, since they may need a cup of strong coffee in the middle of the night; they have to maintain a continual intake of caffeine with which to fight the rest of the world. In the bar at night they tend to be the central figures, with other people listening to their heroic exploits such as "How I gave everyone what for at last year’s AGM" or "How I bought financial ruin to several astrology groups." Sadly, you won’t believe a word of it.

 

You’ll spot the Taureans as soon as the first meal starts. They are at the head of the queue, barrel-chested, impassive and impassable, not allowing anybody to get to the food before them - and the Taurean men are pretty formidable too. They are often the last to finish meals, still slurping away half an hour after the next lecture has started. Still, they make useful “bouncers” if some of the other delegates make nuisances of themselves.

 

The Geminians are particularly irritating to speakers. Not content with listening to lectures, they insist on providing everyone within the surrounding three or four rows with their own running commentaries, interpersed with much chuckling and giggling. (In spite of several tests under laboratory conditions, no one has yet discovered why Geminians keep doing this, but I’m sure we all wish they would bloody well stop!) Since they are easily bored, they are often the first to leave lectures, usually making for the conference bookstall and browsing through as many books as possible. Unfortunately they never seem to buy anything.

 

The Cancerians are easily recognisable by the looks of apprehension on their faces as they arrive. Contrast this with the looks of glee on their faces just before it’s time to be setting off home again. In fact, some Cancerians have been spotted with their suitcases at the final lecture, ready to dash for the train as soon as the conference ends. These characters will bore the pants off you with their never-ending reminiscences of previous conferences. They will be able to tell you which speakers are at which conference and what they were talking about. They will even tell you what was on the menu for the Saturday evening dinner for any given year - and lots of other mind-numbing trivia.

 

You know who the Leos are at once. They seep into reception (having tipped the taxi driver quite handsomely) with an expensive set of monogrammed suitcases and a sizable entourage of people (who are most probably their clients who have been persuaded to attend, otherwise the Leo astrologer will ditch them.) Since it is beneath their dignity to attend the lectures of any astrologer who (a) has inferior knowledge of the subject (and that includes nearly everyone); (b) lives north of Surbiton); and (c) does not have D.F.Astrol.S. after their name, they prefer to be seen talking to their entourage for the entire length of the conference.

 

It can be truly said that the Virgo delegates are the only ones who are there purely for the astrology - hence the serious looks on their faces which will mark them out straight away. Most of the Virgo contingent are probably vegetarians; they are also particular about which astrology books they buy, which lecturers they listen to and in which directions their bedrooms face. Attempts to make them laugh - or even smile - will come to nothing, so practical jokes like swapping around the 'GENTS' and 'LADIES' signs, and watching the results, are ill-advised. Tricks like this will simply ruin the conference for Virgo delegates, since the resulting trauma will mean that many of them will have to be kept under sedation for the rest of the conference.

 

To be continued......