Presenting an exciting New Astrological Column for Saturnians everywhere!

Are you fed up with all those cheerful soft-soaping forecasts, where nothing worse than a minor 'challenge' ever rears its head? Have you had enough of their sweet-talking nonsense and crave to wallow in the reality of the misery that's truly in store? Now you can enjoy both the confirmation of what a diabolical birth chart you were born with and how it is only going to get even worse in the coming months, with our 'through-the-signs' reference. (Written back to front to make it harder for you to find yours).

PISCES: Cigarettes, drugs, alcohol and working in shoe shops will all be banned, and you wont be allowed to go to prison either.

AQUARIUS: You are required to take a course on 'Being Normal', (a written course with no social interaction). In the unlikely event that you pass it you are given a job as an accountant.

CAPRICORN: The goals you are set are impossible, nothing goes your way, everything is delayed, work is hard, no one does you a favour. So it's a fairly average week really.

SAGITTARIUS: You wont win anything, you wont find anything, and you cant travel anywhere. Worse still, you wont think it's funny.

SCORPIO: You will soon be featured on This Is Your Life. Working out who is in on the secret and who will say what, will drive you crazy.

LIBRA: You have to go to an important social event unpartnered and wearing clothes from a jumble sale. More agonising still is trying to decide whether or not to go, and how to do it without offending anybody.

VIRGO: You gain employment in a grimy kitchen at the back of a seedy strip joint. Worse than that, you have to eat there.

LEO: No one takes the slightest bit of notice of you.

CANCER : All Full Moons and New Moons will be cancelled. Outsiders come in and tidy up your kitchen. You discover that none of your family are blood related.

GEMINI: You lose your voice for three weeks. Just as you recover you lose your phone.

TAURUS: Someone buys you a five-course meal but the restaurant catches fire and you have to stuff all the food down in five minutes. On the way out you lose your wallet.

ARIES: All competitive sports are banned and you have to queue up for everything. From now on, as in this list, your sign comes last.

Weather outlook (for all signs): Non stop rain for the next three months.

Political outlook: It's never been bleaker.

Health outlook: You will feel lousy.